Can't Sleep
by Handy-for-the-bus
Summary: Memories and Overthinking are not the ideal lullabies. Multi-chapter. Most part of the chapters will not be related in time or action, if so they'll have the same title and the titles will be divided in numbers. I write as it comes to me and I'm an one-shot girl more than anything ) It may contain spoilers so, trigger warning (nothing strong, if so I'll write it in the A/N)
1. Past and Present

**A/N: I want to thank my wonderful editor Umbrella-ella. She's great and I love her =) **

**Also, forgive me for I'm not an English speaker, so if you see any spelling mistakes or weird things going on it was me. **

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately Downton Abbey (and therefore Anna and Bates) are not mine. **

* * *

It was late in the night, around two, and John couldn't sleep.  
Sitting at the kitchen table, only a candle illuminating the room, he held before his eyes an old photograph of his mother. He hardly remembered her like that. She had been a beautiful woman.  
John noticed a faint light approaching the kitchen door. He sighed.

"John? What are you doing here?"

His wife stood in the kitchen door, wearing nothing but her white robe. He could tell that by how transparent it was under the candlelight. Lady Mary had given it as a present for Anna to wear once they move to their cottage.  
He took a deep breath at the sight. His wife was indeed beautiful. Her blonde hair cascaded down her elegant shoulders shinning like gold. Her skin, pale and smooth was like the touch of Heaven's clouds each time he caressed her. He would never get enough of her, he was sure. He could live a thousands years and he would love her each day more than the last.

John loved her so much, and he knew that not every being was blessed with this kind of selfless and unconditional love. They were one of the lucky ones and he was happy for that.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" He smiled at his wife.  
"Just like you should be sleeping, John." She smiled back.  
"I couldn't."  
"I couldn't either. Not without you." She sat down next to him, resting her head on his right shoulder and looping her arm through his as he studied the photograph in his hands.  
"Who is she?"  
"My mother." John said, glancing down at Anna.  
"Oh, I didn't recognise her. She was beautiful. She looks so young there." said Anna, looking and leaning in closer.  
"Early thirties. She looks younger, though."  
"You don't look like her."  
"I don't. I look like my father. From my mother I only have the eye colour."  
"Well, your father must've been a handsome man..." She teased.  
John laughed "To be honest, he was. All the ladies loved him... and he loved all the ladies," suddenly John's voice went sad "Even after he was married."  
"Oh. I didn't know that... Did, did your mother know?" Anna asked, feeling sorry for her late mother-in-law, the woman that so kindly all those years ago told her all the truth about her son.  
"She knew. She saw. Everybody knew."

_His father was an evil man. A bohemian. He was violent when he was drunk, and he was always drunk. One of the reasons that led John to quit the nasty nectar was because he didn't want to become like his father. He hated him. His father would flirt with women in front of his mother and he would tell her she was the one cheating on him._  
_John's mother was fifteen and his father was seventeen when they wed. He had gotten her pregnant and their parents arranged the marriage. She was in love, he wasn't. That baby had died two months after its birth. It was a girl. The girl his mother always cried over. John was born one year or so later. He was a strong and big baby, dark hair and hazel greenish eyes. He was a beautiful baby. Like father like son._  
_At least in appearance. His father was a handsome man. Strong, tall, broad shoulders, celtic. He didn't pay attention to his son. He would hit him for no reason. He would make fun of him. 'You should come with me to the pub.' John didn't like the bohemian life. 'You look like a pathetic girl. You are a man not a lady.' John hated that._  
_'You should come with me and I could find you a woman for you to spend the night with.'_  
_John was fourteen and he loved his books and being alone with his thoughts more than thinking about girls._  
_His father would humiliate him. "I thought I had a man at home not a big girl's blouse.''_  
_His father spent four years missing. No-one knew where he was. John had to work to help his mother. He worked in a pub, cleaning and helping in the kitchen. He also would go down to the library and help Mrs Johnson organise the books. He loved that job. He loved books. He still does. _  
_He was eighteen when his father appeared again. 'Perhaps now that you're home I can go back to school. I would like...', 'No. Keep working. I'm far too tired to work.'_  
_Of course he was. He had been starving and drunk for the last four years. John kept working. He didn't mind. At least in the library he would learn about everything, anyway._  
_He meet Vera at the age of twenty two. She was easy and attractive. He had long forgotten about romance. He didn't believe in those silly things anymore, not after everything._  
_She would tell him he was handsome and so manly. John liked that. She would make him feel good, and that was all John wanted. Her father discovered them, and his mother was bitterly disappointed. 'I thought, after everything you saw, after all the conversations we had, that you would_  
_be much better than your father.'_  
_He was! He was going to be!_  
_He would never be as awful as his father._  
_Then he was married. He was twenty three. Far too young._  
_Vera was twenty one and far from the right kind of woman for him. Unfortunately he discovered that too late. They were alright in the beginning. She gave him what he wanted. He payed for the bills, it was his job. They didn't see much of each other. He worked all day, when he would arrive home she would be waiting for him. But then, John started to realise how "nice" she was with the other men. He was angry, but even madder angrier because he wasn't really jealous, like he should be, just uncomfortable with her loosening. She started being careless. He would have to ask her five or six times for a clean shirt and then he would have to wait two or three more days for it. He would come home, tired and she would be gossiping and reading instead of making dinner. She would tell him she was not his slave. He would tell her that he worked all day and he was tired and he needed to eat. It was her job to take care of him! To serve him! It was his job to work! He couldn't be expecting her to be willing when he wanted and when he demanded!_  
_He was twenty seven when he went to the Second Boer War. He thought he could run away from his life for a while. He needed a rest. But he had no rest. It was awful. He hated it. 'Do you miss your wife, Bates?' He didn't, but he wouldn't mind to be arguing with her in that moment, instead of hearing the bombs and the shooting, the screams...people starving. Children dying. Women being attacked. Hell._  
_He was not going to survive to this. Most men died, why it would be different with him?_  
_One month before the end of the war he was wounded. John, Lord Grantham, Manning and Stuart were heading to an ambush for a Dutch General, the rest of the troops were five minutes behind them; they would be the first men to get there and they would have to wait for the others. John was the best shooter but that was not enough. They saw them. John hid behind a tree, Robert was undefended, he was going to be shot, John threw himself, the bullet tore through his leg. Robert was fine, John was not. He couldn't remember anything else._  
_Five weeks later he was in England again, in a London Hospital._  
_His mother was devastated. 'We don't know for sure if he will be able to walk with his right leg ever again. The bullet is still there, we can't take it out. It's too dangerous.'_  
_But he started getting better and better and after one year of misery he could walk again._  
_Hell. He lived in Hell. All those years... Too much pain. His wife despised him, disdained him, humiliated him. Called him worthless, useless, cripple. He started to drink, she followed his steps. They would fight. Everyday, every hour. 'You are turning into your father.' His mother would say, tearing up, sobbing, breaking his heart every time, but he was so lost, he didn't know what to do. What if in fact he was like his father?! He couldn't be! _  
_Vera helped in big dinners at the barracks. She saw the silver and took it. It was his chance to run away from his life again, from Vera. He would ruin everybody around him._  
_It was his chance._  
-

"You know the rest." He sighed.  
Anna leaned even more on him and kissed his cheek. "Then you arrived to Downton and turned my world upside down." she smiled.  
"So mum was right, I do cause trouble." He smirked.  
Giving him a look of disapproval, Anna spoke, "You do cause good trouble, and you are not like your father at all! You are my wonderful husband and a good, good man."  
"If I'm any kind of good, now, it's because of you, Anna."

She took the picture from his hand and placed it on the table, then she took his right arm and circled it around her shoulders.  
"Why are you laughing?"  
"You have such long and big arms. You are able to encircle me with just one of them.'  
She kept smiling.  
"Well, of course. Then I can do all sort of things with the other, while I hold you so you don't run away." John said playfully.  
She teased "I would never run away from you." and arched an eyebrow to let him be sure of her meaning.  
He smiled coyly.  
"How about a nice cup of tea for your husband?"  
"I was just thinking about it!"  
She stood up and headed to the kitchen counter. It was a small kitchen but very cosy; It had two windows and the backyard door. It was very bright during the day and Anna loved it, though John would hit his head on the top kitchen cabinets once in awhile, making Anna laugh.

_'See? I shouldn't be doing the dishes, not that I don't want to but I just can't or I'll break my head.'_  
_'Keep scrubbing Mr Bates. Just keep scrubbing.'_

And he would keep scrubbing with a happy smile on his face. Of course he wouldn't mind hitting his head once in awhile, it was their home, their love nest, and he couldn't be happier. And he would do the dishes! He would scrub the floor on his knees if Anna told him to, but she never did ask much of him.  
Scrub the floor on knees... That's the way she would scrub the floor. He saw it twice, since they started living together, two weeks ago, and he couldn't take his eyes of her. The last time he was reading his newspaper and she decided to scrub two or three spots on the old living room floor.

_'You can do that later, just rest.' He had told her but she had none of it._  
_'Just read your news and let me do my business.'_

_She started scrubbing the floor and to his surprise she turned her back at him and knelt down._  
_John was graced with a full view of his wife's backside and he couldn't help but look at it. He lowered the newspaper from his face and a malicious smile formed on his lips. He watched as she moved and he felt heat in the lower part of his body. His thoughts were wild and he could already see himself approaching her from behind and grabbing..._

_What's so funny?' The sound of her voice shook him from his thoughts._  
_'Nothing I was just admiring you.' He said with a naughty smile playing on his lips. She dropped the scrub and sat on his lap feeling his desire pulsing on his trousers._  
_'Should we go upstairs, Mr Bates?' She had asked with a slightly shy smile._  
_'No, I want you here and I want you now.'_  
-

"John?"  
"What?" John said startled.  
"I asked you if you want a slice of cake? Where were you?" She giggled. with her hand over her mouth as she saw his confused face.  
"Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts."  
"Thoughts?"  
"Us."  
"I see...so do you want a slice of cake or not?"  
"Yes. I love that cake." He said excited and Anna could see the little boy inside him. The one who gets excited each time he eats chocolate cake. She handed him the plate.

"I love your chocolate cake," he said with his mouth full.  
"You look like a little boy eating your cake!" she laughed.  
"You make me feel like a boy. Not a little one, but young. You make me feel young." he smiled.  
Anna sat facing him and they both remained in silence eating the cake and smiling at each other. It was a good chocolate cake, indeed, she thought.  
"I wish my mum was still alive." he broke the silence "I wish she could see how happy I am now. I wish she could see how much I love and how much I am loved... She never saw that. She never saw me being happy or truly loved." he said rubbing his plate with the little fork as he felt his eyes fill with tears.  
"But she knows. Wherever she is she's watching you and she's proud of you, I'm sure."  
"But...she...I was her only son and...the thing she most wanted was to see our children and that...that will never happen now."  
"Our children?" confusion on her face.  
"Our children." He smiled. "I told you she liked you didn't I?"

Anna felt her eyes stung and tears forming. Bless her, she thought. She had liked from the moment she stepped foot in her tiny London home. She wished that she could be there with them too.  
"It was all good?" She asked him from across the table.  
"Wonderful. Like always." He reached for her hand across the table.  
"Just lets go to bed." she grabbed his hand and they both raised from the table "I'll clean the plates tomorrow."

John rushed her to the front of him and hugged her from behind. "Because we have better things to do now, right?" He began kissing her neck and shoulders while they walked through the small corridor that led to the stairs.

"There's nothing better than the things we have to do." Anna teased and felt John bucking his hips against her. She could feel his desire already, and she swore that all her insides were on fire. John ran his hands up and down her sides, feeling her breasts through her very thin robe.  
They stopped in the edge of the stairs and John turned her in his arms for her to face him.  
Grinning playfully he loosened her robe's tie and slipped his hands underneath the thin fabric, cupping her small breasts with his hands, just like two precious pearls.  
He looked into the depth of her eyes and smiled tenderly, a look of such love, Anna would never forget. He then, took in all her image and dipped his lips to her. They kissed passionately. He ran his hands all over her and she rocked herself against him.  
In all her life she could never think that this kind of pleasure and desire, so strong and so good, would exist. She heard and read about it but she didn't quite believe it. How could one lose itself in such way? But now she knew, she knew and it couldn't be better.  
Nothing could be better than being taken by the man she loved more than anything and everything. Than being loved like she was the only woman in the world. Being touched with such delicacy and passion, such fervour. To feel him all over her, in her.

"Mr Bates," she began, putting her hands on his shoulders to make him step back just enough "I need you."  
She kissed his lips quickly turned around again, grabbed his arm and ran up the stairs as fast as John could.  
"Anna, you are going to be the death of me." He said between breaths.  
"But you'll die happy.'

A/N: So? Too meh? Too bleh? The way I wrote it is as weird and as confused as I think?

Either way, I hope you liked it and please review! =)

The tittle is not very objective because if the reviews are good this will be a multi-chaper fic. Though the chapters won't be related in time nor subject.

xxx


	2. We Can Still Dream

**A/N: **_Want to thank my Beef Kaz for editing this chapter. I love you and you are great 3 _

**Disclaimer:** _Downton Abbey, Anna and Bates are not mine. They belong to Lord Julian Fellowes, who loves to break our hearts. _

* * *

She was not able to move on. Not yet. She tried but when it came to it, she couldn't. Without any apparent reason she was once again dreaming about her late husband. Mathew would call her name over and over again but she could never find him. She would run and run and run, but in the end she could never find him.

Lady Mary, who once spent the time looking at the mirror while her maid brushed her hair, now looked attentively at the photograph of her late husband, trying to make all her memories real again. A cried echoed, she didn't dare to move.

'Master George is growing up so fast.'

'I can't believe it's been three years,' the Lady said, cold and unshakable.

'He's such a beautiful little boy.'

'Spitting image of his father.'

'That's good, M'lady.'

'Is it?'

'Yes. At least you know that even though your husband is not here, you have a part of him that is still living. You can always look at Master George and...'

'That's the problem, Anna. Every time I look at him I see Mathew and I can't bear it!'

Anna silenced herself. She tried. She always tried to cheer her Mistress up, but she always failed. How long would she mourn her husband? All her suitors were good men, handsome men with good names. Everyone thought that Mr Blake was a keeper, but after a while they started fighting and their differences were bigger than what they thought. It looked like the only thing they had in common was talking about pigs and farms, and after a while Lady Mary was bored of it.

'All I know, M'Lady, is that when Mr Bates was sentenced to...death...all I could think was, how unfortunate I was to not have, at least, a living memory of our love. A child of ours, that I would look at and see its father. That I would look at and remember how much we loved each other, how much we dreamed. A living proof of our love.'

Lady Mary, looked at Anna through the mirror.  
'You don't understand, Anna. Your husband is still alive, isn't he?'

The maid continue to brush her mistress' hair. For a few moments silent prevailed.

'By the way, Anna. You've been very bright lately. I can see that you were able to move on.' As cold as ice.

'Not move on but...I've learned how to live with it. I'm still learning though, but life is good now, and me and Mr Bates are very happy once again.'

'I see...and the nightmares?'

'Only once in a while, and not as bad as they used to be, but then...I spend days without thinking about it, so it helps.'

xxxxxx

Anna was being honest. She was happy again, very happy. Mr Bates was the perfect husband, wonderful and caring, showering her with love all the time. She would get tired of him sometimes, well...not really. She would tell him so, but she would be lying. She loved him more than ever and she loved all the attention but she felt sorry for her poor man. He would buy her flowers and her favourite chocolates every time he went to the village. He would help her with her work and they would go to Ripon or York in their afternoons off, and while she would spend a significant amount of time seeing every store, he would just follow her everywhere without any complaint. 'I am not tired, my sweet. I have all the time and patience for you.' And he would smile. Such an honest smile.  
She would still think about what happened, but not as often. Some days it seemed that it hadn't happen. She would think about it as if it only had been a horrible nightmare. Other days, she would not even think about it. She would be happy, and smile and laugh and kiss her husband and nothing would make her nervous nor sad. They would make love and she could only think of John. How good he made her feel. How passionate and sweet. How ardent but tender he was.  
But, there were still some days that she couldn't stop thinking about it. It was awful. She would shake and shiver. She would be cold but her sweat would drop from her forehead. Her face would be so hot, burning, but her feet would freeze. The blood would pulse in her temples and she would hear her heart beat. She would stop breathing for a moment, she was afraid that everybody would look at her and ask why her heart was beating so loud. She was sure the world could hear it. The beats were so strong. She could feel them in her fingers and in her cheeks. But then, there was John and he always knew. He would take her hand. If they were in the servants hall, he would take it under the table and smile at her. He would tell her with his eyes that no one could hurt her ever again, and she believed him. She always did, but still she was scared.  
They both knew that she would never forget it. Such a thing could never be undone. They would never be able to go back in time and erase it. How many sleepless nights John spent, thinking about how he should have gone downstairs when he realised she was taking too long. What if he would have told Green not to even dare to look at his wife... those sleepless night were all in vain. It was done. It had happened. It was over.  
But because, all dark tunnels have an exit and the light always shines there, they also knew that with love and time they would be happy again. Different? Yes. Less happy? Not a chance.  
John once told her 'He's burning in hell now, but if we are not able to be happy again, he'll win' And he was right. Their love was stronger than everything and it always would be.  
And they were happy again. Very happy.

xxxxxx

Anna was lost in her thoughts, she was smiling like a fool. John Bates would make her feel like a young fool with her heart about to burst with love and dedication.

'I hope you are not planning on starting a family soon.' Said, Lady Mary eyeing Anna through the mirror with wide eyes.

Anna blushed 'Well, I do want to start a family one day, M'Lady.' How good it was to dream about the future again.

'Not soon?!'

'I don't know. Mr Bates and I haven't talk about it yet, but we are both eager to become parents, and I don't want to be a mother too late. I want to have more than one child.'

'How can you be so selfish?!'

'M'Lady?!'

'You are going to abandon me, then! When I most need you!'

'M'Lady, I'm not saying I'll have a child by Tuesday.'

'But you'll abandon me, eventually. I thought you were a better friend, that's all. After everything...''

'I have all the right in starting a family with my husband. That's most natural. You did want the same with Mr Mathew, didn't you, M'Lady?'

Lady Mary, eyes opened. They were red. Was she jealous of Anna? Jealous that Mr Bates was alive and her husband dead?

'How would you support your children, then? You wouldn't be able to work.'

'Mr Bates has a good salary and we have been saving, we also have the money from the rent of the London's house.'

'So, you have everything planned already. I thought you would tell me first.'

'We don't have nothing planned, M'Lady. We've been saving for the future, that's all.'

'And you'll have your children there, in that cottage? I doubt there's even space for both of you.'

'I wouldn't be happier in a big palace, M'Lady.'

'You say that because you don't know how...'

'I know! I rather be poor and happy than rich and bitter.'

They both stood facing each other. No words were exchanged. Anna knew she shouldn't have said that. Fear grew within her 'I'll be sacked,' she thought 'I shouldn't have said that. It's not my place to do so.'

'You can go now. I'll see you in the morning.' Said Lady Mary, after what it looked like an eternity.

'I'm sorry M'Lady, I didn't wan...'

'I'll see you in the morning, Anna. Good night.'

xxxxxx

The night was cold but the moon and stars shined strong as ever.  
The only source of heat was her husband's hand on hers. Most of the nights John would arrive home first, waiting for her with the fireplace burning and giving to their cold cottage a cozy ambient, a teapot ready and biscuits.  
Even still, Anna preferred the nights when they would walked together. Side by side, hand in hand, talking about their day. Most of the time, smiling shyly at the anticipation of what would happen once they arrived.  
But tonight they were silent.

'You seem preoccupied,' Bates broke the silence, 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing's wrong, don't worry. I'm just a bit tired,' Anna replied, sighing.

'How tired? Very tired or not that tired?' He smiled at her with a flirty twinkle on his eyes. She knew what he was asking but she only smiled. Something was wrong.

'Anna, please...'

'John, just let me be, alright. I'm fine. Only tired that's all.' She tightened the grip on his hand trying to reassure him.

John was surprised. She would always tell him what was wrong since he discovered about Green. She promised him she would always tell him everything, but then...he was surprised because he knew her so well, he knew she wasn't thinking about it. It was something else. Perhaps she was really tired and he was making a fuss out of nothing. He would let it be...for now.

xxxxxx

Stepping into their small living room, he saw Anna sitting on his rocking chair.  
'Anna? My darling, why aren't you sleeping? It's almost two in the morning.'

'I couldn't…'

He pulled his robe closer to his front, shivering and looking at the fireplace long extinguished.

'Let's do this...you tell me what's wrong and then I promise I'll make you a nice cup of tea to help you sleep, alright?' He smiled at her. A warm and serene smile.

'I did something stupid tonight. I nearly shouted at Lady Mary.' Anna stood up and was facing him now.

'What?'

'I'm sure I'll be sacked.'

He held her hands in his and brought them to his chest. 'Anna, tell me everything. You shouted?'

'I nearly did,' she said ashamed, 'Lady Mary was telling me how selfish I am because I want to have a family with you.'

'Lady Mary said that?'

'She did. And then she said that our cottage wasn't big enough for the both of us, much less if we want to have children. So I said that I would rather be poor and happy than rich and bitter.' Anna looked to their feet, avoiding John's gaze.

'Oh, Anna. You shouldn't have...'

'I know! But I said it. It's done.' She shook her shoulders, helpless.

'Come here,' said John moving his right hand to the back of her neck and pulling her to his chest. He embraced her completely.

She rested her head there, where his heart was, listening to the sound of it beating and inhaling his scent. She hugged him, her arms encircling his middle, barely capable of doing so. She loved how broad and tall he was. Their height difference was always something that aroused her. She felt that nothing and no one could harm her. She felt secure.

'You are not crying, are you?' He asked.

'No, I'm not. I'm not a cry baby, John.'

'Aren't you?'

She smacked his back with a smile on her face. 'No!' She was looking at him now.

'Alright then. There's no need to be violent.' He teased, 'I just don't like when you cry, that's all.'

'And now? What will I do?'

'I'm sure Lady Mary won't sack you. Tomorrow you'll talk to her. She was wrong too.'

'I know she was, but I'm her maid. It's not my place to say those things.'

'Just because you are her maid it doesn't mean she can be cruel to you.'

'She's just sad. She's been having nightmares. Yesterday when I said we were going to Ripon on the afternoon she looked at me and...it was not her. She also told me that...you were the one sentenced to death and her husband was the one who died, as if she was saying that it should have been...' Anna couldn't finish the sentence and she felt her eyes burning.

'Oh, come here, my cry baby,' said John, embracing her again. He heard her giggling.

'Is it wrong?' Her question muffled in his chest but he was still able to hear it.

'What?'

She looked back at him. 'That I want to start a family with you? Is it wrong to leave?'

'Of course is not wrong. It would be a bit odd if you didn't want to have children with your husband, now that we are so very happy once again... it's only normal.'

'Because I want to, John. I want to be a mother. I've always dreamed about it and I don't see why we have to delay it anymore.'

'Are you saying you want to be a mother now?'

'Yes, Mr Bates, right now!' She said rolling her eyes at him. He laughed. 'I'm saying that I think we should stop avoiding...you know...we should start making babies.'

'Well, I would love that, Mrs Bates.' His smile was so genuine it made Anna's heart hurt with affection. 'Why don't you just kiss me so...' he was lowering his head to try to catch her lips when she put her hand on his face and pushed him gently.

'Mr Bates! Not keeping your promises already?'

'Promises?'

'You said you would make a nice cup of tea to help me sleep...'

'You just said we should start making babies...you can't make babies while you sleep.' He was kissing her neck while she tried to pull away from him.

'John, please don't...'she said laughing. 'It's three in the morning we have to go to work in two and a half hours...we won't be able to get any sleep as it is.'

He was still kissing all over her neck and shoulders. 'As you said, we won't be able to get any sleep...so why shouldn't we try to make our baby tonight?'

'Well...' she said holding his face between her hands and kissing him ever so lightly. 'I think we can skip the tea tonight.'

* * *

**A/N:** _I hope you liked it. Please review =) I have more ideas...I just need time to write them. Boo school. Thanks for reading xxxxx_


	3. We Can Still Dream 2

**A/N: **Second and last part of 'We Can Still Dream' chapter. I needed Anna and Mary to be at peace again. And again, thank you my Beef Kaz xxx

**Disclaimer: **Downton Abbey and Banna are not mine. I only own my soul and a laptop. Also a silly cat.

* * *

'John….,' she scolded sleepily 'the curtains...'

'My sweet, it's six in the morning, we are going to be late for breakfast.'

'What? Oh my!'

Anna jumped from the bed as fast as she could and ran to the bathroom.  
'John, can you give me a towel?'

'Here,' Anna was giving him a teasing look. 'What?'

'I knew we were going to be late.'

'Don't look at me like that!' John laughed 'You were the one teasing me for a second round.'

Anna smiled shyly 'Silly beggar.'

xxxxxx

'Aren't you hungry?'

'I'm not in the mood for porridge today' said John twisting his nose at his plate and resting his fork on the table. 'I wouldn't mind to have some bacon and eggs, and perhaps some sausages as well...'

'I'm going to apologize.'

'To Lady Mary?'

'Yes. I did wrong, very wrong. I'm afraid she won't even look at me...'

'She will. She did wrong too, and she knows that, I'm sure.'

A bell was heard.

'Lady Mary...' John said.

'I'm off.'

He held her wrist. 'Calm.'

xxxxxx

Anna brought Lady Mary her breakfast tray.  
She entered the room and she saw her mistress facing the window.

'My Lady? Is everything alright?'

'Put the tray on the bed, Anna.'

Anna did as she was told and took a deep breath. 'My Lady, I want to apolo...'

'Anna, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said what I said.'

'I'm the one who's sorry, M'Lady. I spoke out of turn. It was not my place to do so.'

'True...but...you only replied to my bitterness. I can't blame you for that.'

Anna wasn't sure what to say, the last thing she wanted was to say something wrong again. She remained in silence facing her mistress.

'It's forgotten already. There's no more say about it.'

Anna was relieved. Everything was alright.  
She started unfolding Lady Mary's clothes for the day when she heard a cry.

'My Lady?'

'Oh Anna. Why it must be so hard? I thought I was able to move on, to start a new life. I was growing closer to Master George, and Mr Blake and I...why can't I move on, Anna? I should. Everybody does it.' Lady Mary said turning to face Anna. Her eyes were begging for an answer. An answer that Anna didn't have. So rich, so powerful, so beautiful and yet so miserable, Anna thought.

'My Lady...people are different. Some heal faster than others. Perhaps you thought you were ready to move on and because you weren't, you hurt more. We shouldn't take steps bigger than our legs...'

'What about my son? Why can't I be a good mother?'

'You are a good mother, My Lady. You love him and you care for him...you are not the most tender of mothers but that doesn't mean you are bad one.'

'Do you mean that, Anna?'

'Of course I do, My Lady.' Anna smiled

Lady Mary smiled back at her. 'I'm not hungry...let's get me dressed. I'm thinking about taking a walk outside...perhaps I'll read some book.'

Anna dressed her mistress and did her hair.

'Is that all My Lady?'

'Yes, Anna. Thank you...oh! And Anna?'

'Yes My Lady?'

'I wish you and Bates all the luck.'

'My Lady?'

Lady Mary raised an eyebrow and smiled at Anna.

'Oh, yes. Thank you.'

'Oh, and Anna? I want to be the first to know.'

xxxxxx

'And she wished us good luck.'

'Whatever for?'

'Mr Bates...' she teased looking to the corridor to see if they were alone '...aren't we working hard in our family matters?'

_The minx_. 'We sure are, Mrs Bates,' John said flirting and holding her hand. 'very hard.'

'Now, stop being a cheeky beggar, we've got work to do.' She smiled moving away from him.

'You tease and flirt but in the end I'm the one to blame?'

'And you will always be…' She was out of sight now and Bates could only smile.

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**A/N: **Hope you liked it and thanks for reading =) I'll try to update in the next couple of days.

Please review x


	4. Hope

**A/N:** Beef Kaz, thank you so much for editing it! Love you xxx

**Disclaimer: **Downton Abbey, John and Anna Bates aren't mine.

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_The much anticipated afternoon off. Right after John's released from jail, His Lordship told Carson that 'From now on, Mr and Mrs Bates will share their afternoons off,' which made the butler go a bit pale. They shared their nights, why would they have to share their afternoons off as well...Carson knew why but he didn't want to._  
_'God help him if one of these days you show up pregnant at work.'_  
_'And why?' Anna had asked him with a twinkle in her eye._  
_'Well, Mrs Bates, Mr Carson would have a heart attack at the thought of us...you know.' _  
_'Oh stop, you. He knows what married couples do, Mr Bates.'_  
_'He has an idea but you being pregnant will make him sure of it.'_  
_They laughed together._

xxxxxx

'Are you sure you don't want to go to the village? Or just talk a walk around the cottage?'

'No. I want to rest. I didn't sleep well last night.'

'You didn't sleep at all...'

She was pale and tired. Sitting in her chair near the window in their small and cozy living room.  
It had been a year since that concert. That one horrible concert. One year exactly. It was a beautiful day outside, a wonderful March afternoon. The Spring was coming, the birds were singing a million different tunes and outside the nature was ever so colourful.

'Alright then...I'll make us some tea. Do you fancy some biscuits?'

'Yes, please.'

She was distant today. Dark circles under her eyes, staring outside, almost lifeless. John sighed as he went to the kitchen to make tea.

xxxxxx

She was sitting upright, unable to relax in her chair. Hands in her lap, looking straight, looking at everything and nothing. That horrible concert. If only she could go back in time and…she shouldn't have been so nice to him. She should have known. She should have looked into his eyes, cold and flirty eyes, and seen her future. The future that he would give her. If only she could go back in time and…She felt the cool wind in her face and she woke up from her restless thoughts. A butterfly had landed in her window sill, seduced by the colours of the flowers that they had in their little backyard. It was a beautiful butterfly, red and black. The colour of blood and darkness. She smiled ironically at the thought. A tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek. She tried to touch the little insect but it flew away before she could. She closed her eyes and more tears fell.

'Here you go. Lavender tea to calm...Anna?'

'I'm alright. Memories. Only memories,' said Anna cleaning the tears with both her hands.

John sighed and put the tray with two cups of tea and a little box of biscuits on the little table they had between their chairs. He sat down on his rocking chair, in front of her. When they were decorating their cottage Anna thought it was a wonderful idea to have their chairs both in front of the window, facing each other, so they could sit there talking, reading and enjoying themselves while seeing and hearing the nature outside. Anna loved nature. All seasons were beautiful to her. She always had been able to see beauty in all things...and now, after everything? She was learning to see it again.

'See how the lavenders are ready to bloom? We'll have the cottage smelling like a garden when they do.' John tried to cheer Anna up. 'Then we can make our own lavender tea, instead of buying it.' He smiled.

'I can't wait for it. Lavender is my favourite flower.' Anna smiled back at him. 'I'm sorry.'

'Sorry?'

'You were making plans for the afternoon...you said you wanted to go to the village and I ruined your plans.'

'My darling... Yes, I made plans, and my plans were to spend the afternoon with you. It doesn't matter where, I just want to be with you.' Carefully he got up from his chair and knelt in front of Anna's legs, taking her hands in his, 'and then...I do love to be in our little cottage. The two of us, just resting and talking. You did say once that I'm not a social...and I said I didn't have to because I had you, well...that was true and it will always be.'' He squeezed her hands.

She tried to smile but she couldn't. She looked outside again.

'I'm scared.'

'You don't have to be, my love.'

'But I am.' She kept looking outside. Watching how the little breeze caressed the flowers and trees.

'Can you tell me why?'

'I was doing so well but..and we...we were so well…,'

'We are wonderful, Anna.'

'These last couple of days...I wasn't even thinking about it as often.'

'Anna. It's been a year. It's normal that you think about it now. It happened today, one year ago.'

She sighed.

'Don't feel like you are failing because you are not.' he said again.

'What if I am?'

'I know you are not.'

'How can you be so sure...you don't know what I'm feeling.'

'I don't but...I know you.'' He caressed her cheek. 'Look Anna!' He said excitedly standing up from the floor as fast as his knee allowed him to. 'A swallow's nest!'

'A what?'

'Under the window. Here, look!' He pointed up to the nest. It was right above their heads.  
She could see it from where she was sitting but she hadn't noticed it.

'Oh. A swallow's nest? It wasn't there last year was it?'

'No it wasn't.' He said.

'I love swallows. They are so beautiful.'

'You know what this means?'

'What?'

'Either this is their first year or their nest was damaged.'

'Why do you say that?'

'Because swallows always use the same nest, year after year, forever. 'Till they die. So it means these ones were hatched last year or their old nest was destroyed.'

'Oh! I see…'

'They are fighters you know? Year after year they travel millions of kilometers, through storms, predators and all sort of tempests, with only one reason to do it, and that reason is life. To give life. To start a new life. And then when they arrive to their destiny they'll look after their nest. The one they use year after year but sometimes, by human hand or nature that nest is destroyed and they are left with nothing. Starving and malnourished, some of them almost dead...and you know what they do?'

'What?'

'They go find a better place, and when they find it they'll build another nest. A bigger and stronger one. The point is, they never quit. No matter what, they never quit their reasons to live. They'll fight always and their reward is life. Their offspring. More fighters to join their band. They do look like a army flying all dressed in black and with their white bellies,'

They never quit, Anna thought. Never. They always fight. She pondered her husband's words and for some reason, because they are fighters too, she felt better.

'And they are nasty birds too, if you try to come close to their nest they'll try to scare you by flying around you…,' John continued, wrinkling his nose and trying to take a better look at the nest from a different angle, '...when I was a about 5 or 6, I tried to destroy a swallow's nest but Mr and Mrs Swallow came after me, I almost peed my trousers...I ran home crying like a girl.'

'John...you were too awful, poor birds!'

'I was...curious.'

'Trying to destroy a nest is being evil not curious.' Anna tried to scold him but failed at the thought of a little John Bates running home and crying because some bird flew around him. She giggled.

'Well...I never did it again did I?' He tried to sound offended, he failed too and joined her giggling.

'Will we name them? Because no one will destroy that nest,' She gave glanced at him. 'They'll be our neighbours every Spring…' said Anna.

'Alright...what about the Smiths?'

'The Smiths?'

'Well, you were Anna Smith, right? Now you are Anna Bates and they will be The Smiths.'

'John Bates, you are so lazy!' She laughed. 'Let's think about a proper name.'

'Smith isn't a proper name?' She gave him one of those looks that meant he better start thinking this moment. 'Alright then...what about The...' John couldn't come up with a better name.

'Hope! What about Mr and Mrs Hope?'

'Hope?' John wasn't sure.

'One year has passed and they came with the changing Spring. Spring is hope and happiness and warm and they are fighters and they chose our home with a reason and that reason is to bring me hope and strength to never quit. An example.'

John smiled. 'I love that name. Mr and Mrs Hope. Perfect.'

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**A/N**: Hope you liked it and thank you for reading =)

Please review xxx


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